EntertainmentThe Onion

Director Sets Up Actor With Backstory About How Franchise Failing Horribly

LOS ANGELES—While shooting the second installment in a planned three-part film adaptation of a popular book series, director Marshall Callins reportedly provided actor Grant Simms with an elaborate backstory about how the first movie in the franchise was a complete financial and critical failure. “So in this next scene, your motivation is the fact that this franchise is poised to become one of the biggest commercial disasters in recent studio history unless we can recoup millions of dollars in losses,” said Callins, encouraging Simms to delve more deeply into his knowledge of the first installment’s disastrous performance at the box office, poor overseas growth, and underwhelming reception by fans in order to fully internalize the sense that everything was riding on this. “Think back to that critical moment in time when the producers said, ‘If this thing isn’t a hit, it’s going to destroy every single one of your careers.’ How did that blunt ultimatum make you feel? Everything you say and do should be informed by the fact that if we bomb opening weekend, you’ll never be trusted to carry another major film.” At press time, sources confirmed the director had provided additional guidance by hinting to the actor of a future in which he is forced to resort to commercial work.

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