SportsThe Onion

Bored 49ers Fan Already Watched J. Lo Perform At Start-Up’s Holiday Party

SAN FRANCISCO—Expressing disinterest in seeing a “watered-down” version of her previous concert, 49ers fan Ilan Gaddis told reporters he was bored during Sunday’s halftime show since he already watched Jennifer Lopez perform at his start-up company’s holiday party. “This is alright, I guess, but it really doesn’t compare to that hour-long set I watched when she brought out Cardi B,’ said software developer Gaddis, 38, contrasting the pyrotechnics and multiple costume changes she brought to his holiday party with the “kind of half-assed” effort she exhibited at the halftime show. “I guess this stadium is a more intimate venue than the one we rented out, but she’s the kind of artist you want to see on a big stage like the one at the Golden Gate Canyon State Park. I’m sure she’s not getting paid as much, too, or else she would be trying a little harder and the staging would be more extravagant. I get it, though. When you’re a musician, sometimes you do whatever gig you can just to make ends meet.” At press time, Gaddis’s eyes glazed over when Shakira hit the stage just a week after he had watched her perform at his office’s cafeteria alongside Wyclef Jean.

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