EntertainmentThe Onion

Middling ‘Rise Of Skywalker’ Review Leaves Fan On Fence About Whether To Threaten To Kill Critic

SKOKIE, IL—Expressing ambivalence toward the relatively balanced appraisal of the film, Star Wars fan Miles Ariely admitted Thursday that an online publication’s middling review of The Rise Of Skywalker had left him on the fence about whether he would still threaten to kill the critic who wrote it. “I’m really of two minds about this, because on the one hand, he said the new movie fails to live up to the original trilogy, which makes me at least want to throw a brick through his window with a note telling him to watch his back,” said Ariely, confirming he had already drafted an eight-page-long death threat to Stan Corimer of the website Screen-On Time, but had not yet decided whether to post it to the reviewer’s Facebook page. “On the other hand, though, he commended J.J. Abrams’ skillful pacing and faithfulness to George Lucas’ vision, which makes me wonder if I should just call the whole thing off. Now, I really don’t feel like camping outside his house for hours. Maybe I could go with a response that’s somewhere in between, like, threatening to kill his dog but not everyone in his whole family? I don’t know. This is a tough one.” At press time, sources reported that Ariely had resolved to wear his Ewok costume while he murdered the critic in his sleep.

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