PoliticsThe Onion

Justice Roberts Sternly Admonishes Impeachment Participants To Remember They’re At Complete Farce Of A Trial

WASHINGTON—After he gaveled the Senate to order Wednesday afternoon, Chief Justice John Roberts sternly admonished both President Trump’s counsel and House impeachment managers to remember they were participating in a complete farce of a trial. “As you address members of this deliberative body, please bear in mind that nothing you say or do will have any effect on the completely predetermined outcome of these proceedings,” said Roberts, exhorting the two sides to go ahead and establish facts, promulgate lies, cite the Constitution, or engage in purely cynical bad-faith arguments, because none of it really mattered anyway. “I wish to remind you this trial is a hollow exercise of decorum with no possibility of achieving productive results of any kind. We’re just going through the motions here, we all know how it is going to end, so let’s at least try to keep it brief.” At press time, the chief justice had commended both sides for heeding his admonition and working to keep the monumental miscarriage of justice running smoothly.

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