The Onion

‘The Sims’ Turns 20

‘The Sims’ Turns 20

Life-simulation video game The Sims debuted on February 4, 2000, becoming one of the bestselling series of all time. The…
Bloomberg Hires Thousands Of Canvassers To Stop Black Men On Street And Force Them To Hear Campaign Pitch

Bloomberg Hires Thousands Of Canvassers To Stop Black Men On Street And Force Them To Hear Campaign Pitch

NEW YORK—Citing polling data that suggested the former mayor was tracking poorly among 18- to 25-year-old African Americans, Michael Bloomberg’s…
Increased Security Requirements For Super Bowl Mandate All Fan Clothes Be Made From Transparent Plastic

Increased Security Requirements For Super Bowl Mandate All Fan Clothes Be Made From Transparent Plastic

MIAMI—Calling the rule the most effective way to increase the speed and accuracy of security, the NFL implemented increased safety…
Hollywood Legend Kirk Douglas Dead In Apparent Age Overdose

Hollywood Legend Kirk Douglas Dead In Apparent Age Overdose

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Explaining that his body simply couldn’t handle the sheer quantity of years he had put into his system,…
Jimmy Carter Added To Mount Rushmore After Becoming 5th Former President To Bowl Perfect 300

Jimmy Carter Added To Mount Rushmore After Becoming 5th Former President To Bowl Perfect 300

KEYSTONE, SD—Unveiling the updated sculpture in an official ceremony before a crowd of thousands, the National Park Service added former…
Nervous, Jeans-Wearing Charlize Theron Wishes Someone Had Told Her This Was Supposed To Be Formal Event

Nervous, Jeans-Wearing Charlize Theron Wishes Someone Had Told Her This Was Supposed To Be Formal Event

LOS ANGELES—Flushed with embarrassment after surveying her peers on the red carpet, a jeans-wearing, sweatshirt-clad Charlize Theron nervously admitted Sunday…
‘It’s Time To Go, Mr. Stone,’ Says Ski-Masked William Barr After Running Prison Bus Off Road

‘It’s Time To Go, Mr. Stone,’ Says Ski-Masked William Barr After Running Prison Bus Off Road

WASHINGTON—Smashing through the glass of the back window before prying open the door, a ski-masked William Barr reportedly told Roger…
Nick Bosa Frustrated Some Guy Always Standing In Way When He’s Trying To Rush Pocket

Nick Bosa Frustrated Some Guy Always Standing In Way When He’s Trying To Rush Pocket

MIAMI—Throwing up his hands in frustration after yet another play where he failed to produce a sack, 49ers defensive end…
‘You’re Allowed To Be Naked Sometimes, But Not Other Times,’ Says Brad Pitt In Baffling Oscars Acceptance Speech

‘You’re Allowed To Be Naked Sometimes, But Not Other Times,’ Says Brad Pitt In Baffling Oscars Acceptance Speech

LOS ANGELES—Eschewing traditional topics such as thanking colleagues or speaking out about political issues, Brad Pitt delivered a baffling Oscars…
‘He’s A Cop,’ Say Bernie Backers, Withdrawing Support After Realizing Candidate Vying To Be Commander In Chief

‘He’s A Cop,’ Say Bernie Backers, Withdrawing Support After Realizing Candidate Vying To Be Commander In Chief

NEW YORK—Expressing disappointment that the longtime senator was “just another part of the establishment,” once-vocal supporters of Bernie Sanders withdrew…
Sammy Watkins Stops Running In Middle Of Route To Look Around, Soak In This Special Moment

Sammy Watkins Stops Running In Middle Of Route To Look Around, Soak In This Special Moment

MIAMI—Taking a deep breath while gazing at the massive cheering crowd, Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver Sammy Watkins reportedly stopped…
The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Pictures

The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Pictures

‘JoJo Rabbit’ Synopsis: A member of the Hitler Youth discovers how easy it is to use fun gags to get…
Buttigieg Touts Progress Connecting With Black Fortune 500 Executives

Buttigieg Touts Progress Connecting With Black Fortune 500 Executives

SOUTH BEND, IN—Addressing concerns over his campaign’s marked lack of inclusion, Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg touted significant progress he…
Bored 49ers Fan Already Watched J. Lo Perform At Start-Up’s Holiday Party

Bored 49ers Fan Already Watched J. Lo Perform At Start-Up’s Holiday Party

SAN FRANCISCO—Expressing disinterest in seeing a “watered-down” version of her previous concert, 49ers fan Ilan Gaddis told reporters he was…
Movie Expedition Team Annoyed They Only Getting Briefed On Mission Right Before Parachuting Onto Hostile Island

Movie Expedition Team Annoyed They Only Getting Briefed On Mission Right Before Parachuting Onto Hostile Island

INDIAN OCEAN—Expressing frustration over a lack of communication from their commanding officer, a movie expedition team, the Specters, was annoyed…
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