The Onion

Southern Governors Argue Covid-19 Good Christian Virus That Wouldn’t Dare Spread During Church

Southern Governors Argue Covid-19 Good Christian Virus That Wouldn’t Dare Spread During Church

TALLAHASSEE, FL—In a bold affirmation of faith during a time of widespread global pandemic, the governors of several Southern states…
Triumphant Jared Kushner Announces Plan To Move CDC Headquarters To Jerusalem

Triumphant Jared Kushner Announces Plan To Move CDC Headquarters To Jerusalem

WASHINGTON—Celebrating his own ingenuity in the face of the Covid-19 outbreak, President Donald Trump’s senior advisor and son-in-law Jared Kushner…
Trump Urges Loosening CDC Restrictions To Let Coronavirus Get To Work

Trump Urges Loosening CDC Restrictions To Let Coronavirus Get To Work

WASHINGTON—Calling for an end to precautions such as social distancing and shelter-in-place mandates, President Donald Trump urged the loosening of…
Avid Sports Bettor Forced To Gamble On Stock Market Like Real Degenerate

Avid Sports Bettor Forced To Gamble On Stock Market Like Real Degenerate

ALLENTOWN, PA—Worried that what was once a manageable vice had fallen into uncontrolled depravity, avid sports bettor Evan Laramie revealed…
Disney Announces Plans To Release ‘Mulan’ Directly Into Americans’ Consciousness

Disney Announces Plans To Release ‘Mulan’ Directly Into Americans’ Consciousness

BURBANK, CA—As studios continue to delay the theatrical runs of major films due to the global Covid-19 pandemic, Walt Disney…
Trump Tackles Medical Supply Shortage By Awarding ExxonMobil Contract To Drill For Ventilators In Arctic

Trump Tackles Medical Supply Shortage By Awarding ExxonMobil Contract To Drill For Ventilators In Arctic

WASHINGTON—Saying there was no way the coronavirus could win with such amazing corporations on their side, President Donald Trump kicked…
What’s In Congress’ Coronavirus Stimulus Bill

What’s In Congress’ Coronavirus Stimulus Bill

After days of frenzied negotiations, Congress passed a $2 trillion stimulus package to address economic issues caused by the coronavirus,…
Trump Announces Plan To Retrain Nation’s 3 Million Unemployed Americans As Human Ventilators

Trump Announces Plan To Retrain Nation’s 3 Million Unemployed Americans As Human Ventilators

WASHINGTON—Taking drastic action to address the country’s critical medical supply shortages as well as rising jobless claims, President Donald Trump…
Kawhi Leonard Misses Second Consecutive Family Game Night Citing Load Management

Kawhi Leonard Misses Second Consecutive Family Game Night Citing Load Management

RANCHO SANTA FE, CA—Saying that his personal health had to remain top priority no matter the demands of the job,…
Congress Sets Aside $1,200 In Trust For Each American Until They Prove They’re Responsible Enough To Handle It

Congress Sets Aside $1,200 In Trust For Each American Until They Prove They’re Responsible Enough To Handle It

WASHINGTON—Following days of partisan gridlock over its emergency economic stimulus plan, Congress announced sweeping new legislation Wednesday that would place…
Tom Brady Awakens From Week-Long Kombucha Bender To Discover He’s A Tampa Bay Buccaneer

Tom Brady Awakens From Week-Long Kombucha Bender To Discover He’s A Tampa Bay Buccaneer

TAMPA BAY—Skeptically looking down at the red jersey laying on the floor beside empty bottles of probiotics, a bleary-eyed Tom…
Trump Suggests Ceding New York To Coronavirus As Possible Appeasement Strategy

Trump Suggests Ceding New York To Coronavirus As Possible Appeasement Strategy

WASHINGTON—Mulling solutions to stop the disease’s rapid spread across the country, President Donald Trump reportedly suggested Tuesday ceding New York…
Olympic Dressage Rider Enraged After Spending Past 4 Years Jauntily Trotting Around On Horse For Nothing

Olympic Dressage Rider Enraged After Spending Past 4 Years Jauntily Trotting Around On Horse For Nothing

SOMERSWORTH, NH—Reeling from shock at the International Olympic Committee’s decision to postpone the 2020 Summer Games due to the coronavirus…
GOP Urges End Of Quarantine For Lifeless Bipedal Automatons That Make Economy Go

GOP Urges End Of Quarantine For Lifeless Bipedal Automatons That Make Economy Go

WASHINGTON—In an effort to contain the disastrous financial fallout resulting from the spread of Covid-19, economic advisor Larry Kudlow joined…
Trump Seeks To Stimulate Economy By Sending Rare Autographed Photo To Every American

Trump Seeks To Stimulate Economy By Sending Rare Autographed Photo To Every American

WASHINGTON—With markets plummeting and many workers losing jobs as the coronavirus pandemic wreaks havoc on businesses, President Donald Trump announced…
Richard Burr Wondering When Profiting Off Mass Suffering Suddenly Became A Crime In This Country

Richard Burr Wondering When Profiting Off Mass Suffering Suddenly Became A Crime In This Country

WASHINGTON—Admitting he was blindsided by the hysterical reaction to a pretty normal transaction, North Carolina Senator Richard Burr wondered Friday…
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