Entertainment

Disney Announces Plans To Release ‘Mulan’ Directly Into Americans’ Consciousness

Disney Announces Plans To Release ‘Mulan’ Directly Into Americans’ Consciousness

BURBANK, CA—As studios continue to delay the theatrical runs of major films due to the global Covid-19 pandemic, Walt Disney…
Area Man Unaware Lifelong Aerosmith Fandom Caused By Early Imprinting Of Steven Tyler As Father Figure

Area Man Unaware Lifelong Aerosmith Fandom Caused By Early Imprinting Of Steven Tyler As Father Figure

OLATHE, KANSAS—Completely ignorant to the root cause of his love and reverence for the band, restaurant server Kenny Angelos reportedly…
New CIA Torture Program Concert Series Brings Metallica Into Black Sites To Play 72-Hour Sets

New CIA Torture Program Concert Series Brings Metallica Into Black Sites To Play 72-Hour Sets

WASHINGTON—Hailing it as a once-in-a-lifetime, up-close-and-personal enhanced interrogation experience, the CIA rolled out a new torture program concert series Wednesday…
‘The Sims’ Turns 20

‘The Sims’ Turns 20

Life-simulation video game The Sims debuted on February 4, 2000, becoming one of the bestselling series of all time. The…
Hollywood Legend Kirk Douglas Dead In Apparent Age Overdose

Hollywood Legend Kirk Douglas Dead In Apparent Age Overdose

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Explaining that his body simply couldn’t handle the sheer quantity of years he had put into his system,…
Nervous, Jeans-Wearing Charlize Theron Wishes Someone Had Told Her This Was Supposed To Be Formal Event

Nervous, Jeans-Wearing Charlize Theron Wishes Someone Had Told Her This Was Supposed To Be Formal Event

LOS ANGELES—Flushed with embarrassment after surveying her peers on the red carpet, a jeans-wearing, sweatshirt-clad Charlize Theron nervously admitted Sunday…
‘You’re Allowed To Be Naked Sometimes, But Not Other Times,’ Says Brad Pitt In Baffling Oscars Acceptance Speech

‘You’re Allowed To Be Naked Sometimes, But Not Other Times,’ Says Brad Pitt In Baffling Oscars Acceptance Speech

LOS ANGELES—Eschewing traditional topics such as thanking colleagues or speaking out about political issues, Brad Pitt delivered a baffling Oscars…
The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Pictures

The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Pictures

‘JoJo Rabbit’ Synopsis: A member of the Hitler Youth discovers how easy it is to use fun gags to get…
Movie Expedition Team Annoyed They Only Getting Briefed On Mission Right Before Parachuting Onto Hostile Island

Movie Expedition Team Annoyed They Only Getting Briefed On Mission Right Before Parachuting Onto Hostile Island

INDIAN OCEAN—Expressing frustration over a lack of communication from their commanding officer, a movie expedition team, the Specters, was annoyed…
‘You People Are Giving Me Too Much Fucking Money’

‘You People Are Giving Me Too Much Fucking Money’

‘ NEW YORK—Noting the fat paychecks he’d received for his work on Broadway and in Hollywood, Hamilton star Lin-Manuel Miranda…
Director Sets Up Actor With Backstory About How Franchise Failing Horribly

Director Sets Up Actor With Backstory About How Franchise Failing Horribly

LOS ANGELES—While shooting the second installment in a planned three-part film adaptation of a popular book series, director Marshall Callins…
Weinstein Defense Attorney Implores Jury To Remember How Fun ‘Pulp Fiction’ Is

Weinstein Defense Attorney Implores Jury To Remember How Fun ‘Pulp Fiction’ Is

NEW YORK—In a passionate rebuttal to the many graphic accounts of sexual assault and rape leveled at her client, attorney…
Grammys Accused Of Bias Toward Music That Accurately Represents What Nation At Large Listening To

Grammys Accused Of Bias Toward Music That Accurately Represents What Nation At Large Listening To

AUSTIN, TX—Faced with allegations that it has repeatedly given preferential treatment to widely enjoyed artists and music, the 62nd annual…
Out-Of-Touch, Aging 24-Year-Old Keeps Trying To Fit In With Cool Kids At Grammys

Out-Of-Touch, Aging 24-Year-Old Keeps Trying To Fit In With Cool Kids At Grammys

LOS ANGELES—Recalling how the weird, creepy 24-year-old just kept milling around and introducing himself as the “Sunflower guy,” several young…
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