Entertainment

Treble Clef Honored With Lifetime Achievement Award During 62nd Annual Grammy Ceremony

Treble Clef Honored With Lifetime Achievement Award During 62nd Annual Grammy Ceremony

LOS ANGELES—Entering the stage of the Staples Center to raucous applause and a standing ovation, the Treble Clef was honored…
The Onion’s 2020 Grammy Predictions

The Onion’s 2020 Grammy Predictions

The 62nd annual Grammy Awards will take place this Sunday, Jan. 26, honoring the best artists, albums, and songs from…
Unclear What Licensing Deal Led To Single Season 4 Episode Of ‘The Blacklist’ Being Available For Viewing On Airplane

Unclear What Licensing Deal Led To Single Season 4 Episode Of ‘The Blacklist’ Being Available For Viewing On Airplane

LOS ANGELES, CA—Explaining how the in-flight entertainment console didn’t feature any other installments of the crime thriller television series, local…
TV Character Knows All This Hardship She’s Experiencing Now Will One Day Be Nothing More Than A ‘Previously On’ Clip

TV Character Knows All This Hardship She’s Experiencing Now Will One Day Be Nothing More Than A ‘Previously On’ Clip

HARTFORD, CT—Stressing how important it was to keep her worries in perspective, television character Greta Worthington told reporters Monday that…
Trent Reznor Ruins 31st Consecutive Holiday Season By Talking About How Christianity A Bunch Of Bullshit

Trent Reznor Ruins 31st Consecutive Holiday Season By Talking About How Christianity A Bunch Of Bullshit

MERCER, PA—Retreating to his room after yet another screaming argument, Nine Inch Nails frontman Trent Reznor reportedly spoiled his family’s…
Middling ‘Rise Of Skywalker’ Review Leaves Fan On Fence About Whether To Threaten To Kill Critic

Middling ‘Rise Of Skywalker’ Review Leaves Fan On Fence About Whether To Threaten To Kill Critic

SKOKIE, IL—Expressing ambivalence toward the relatively balanced appraisal of the film, Star Wars fan Miles Ariely admitted Thursday that an…
CG Supervisor For ‘Cats’ Thought He Actually Did An Okay Job

CG Supervisor For ‘Cats’ Thought He Actually Did An Okay Job

LOS ANGELES—Stunned into silence after reading through thousands of highly critical comments about the new film, James Darnell, the CG…
Sad ‘Rise Of Skywalker’ Fan Can’t Believe There Never Going To Be Another ‘Star Wars’ Movie

Sad ‘Rise Of Skywalker’ Fan Can’t Believe There Never Going To Be Another ‘Star Wars’ Movie

ALLENTOWN, PA—Overcome with despair after realizing he’d never again see the franchise’s beloved characters, local Rise Of Skywalker fan Tim…
Antsy, Jonesing Nation Demands New Grinch Content

Antsy, Jonesing Nation Demands New Grinch Content

LOS ANGELES—Explaining their intense, overwhelming desire for more film, TV, or merchandise involving the beloved Dr. Seuss character, an antsy,…
‘United 93’ Director Announces Remastered Edition Digitally Removing WTC From Film

‘United 93’ Director Announces Remastered Edition Digitally Removing WTC From Film

LOS ANGELES—Explaining that he doesn’t want the presence of the buildings to distract from the film’s core message of hope…
Clint Eastwood Propositions Film Critic To Obtain More Positive Review Of ‘Richard Jewell’

Clint Eastwood Propositions Film Critic To Obtain More Positive Review Of ‘Richard Jewell’

ATLANTA—His hands shaking a bit as he slowly unbuttoned his shirt, director Clint Eastwood reportedly propositioned Susan Parker of the…
New ‘Sesame Street’ Character Shudders To Life As Producers Complete Ritual To Imprison Damned Soul Within Puppet

New ‘Sesame Street’ Character Shudders To Life As Producers Complete Ritual To Imprison Damned Soul Within Puppet

NEW YORK—Laughing demonically as the small, orange puppet’s body began to gyrate uncontrollably, producers from the television show Sesame Street…
Apologetic Justin Timberlake Presents Jessica Biel With Severed Hand Of Alisha Wainwright To Prove Loyalty

Apologetic Justin Timberlake Presents Jessica Biel With Severed Hand Of Alisha Wainwright To Prove Loyalty

LOS ANGELES—Apologizing emphatically for any harm he might have caused through his past indiscretions, pop superstar Justin Timberlake reportedly presented…
National Association Of Corpses Express Outrage At Still-Living Actors Getting Cadaver Roles On ‘CSI,’ ‘Law & Order’

National Association Of Corpses Express Outrage At Still-Living Actors Getting Cadaver Roles On ‘CSI,’ ‘Law & Order’

NEW YORK—Calling the hiring practice “inexcusable” during a presentation at the organization’s annual retreat, the National Association of Corpses—a non-profit…
Cabal Of Handsome Male Celebrities Agrees To Continue Withholding Baldness Cure From Public And Jude Law

Cabal Of Handsome Male Celebrities Agrees To Continue Withholding Baldness Cure From Public And Jude Law

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION—Upholding the promise they made so many years ago, a cabal of handsome male celebrities agreed Friday to continue…
Matt Damon Begrudgingly Accepts $50 In eBay Auction For ‘The Martian’ Cast And Crew Jacket

Matt Damon Begrudgingly Accepts $50 In eBay Auction For ‘The Martian’ Cast And Crew Jacket

LOS ANGELES—Visibly annoyed after his auction closed with a winning bid far below his expectations, actor Matt Damon begrudgingly accepted…
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