Politics

Jared Kushner Says States Should Have Planned Ahead Before Joining The Union

Jared Kushner Says States Should Have Planned Ahead Before Joining The Union

WASHINGTON—Speaking at a press conference to address the growing Covid-19 pandemic, White House senior advisor Jared Kushner admonished resource-stricken states…
Southern Governors Argue Covid-19 Good Christian Virus That Wouldn’t Dare Spread During Church

Southern Governors Argue Covid-19 Good Christian Virus That Wouldn’t Dare Spread During Church

TALLAHASSEE, FL—In a bold affirmation of faith during a time of widespread global pandemic, the governors of several Southern states…
Triumphant Jared Kushner Announces Plan To Move CDC Headquarters To Jerusalem

Triumphant Jared Kushner Announces Plan To Move CDC Headquarters To Jerusalem

WASHINGTON—Celebrating his own ingenuity in the face of the Covid-19 outbreak, President Donald Trump’s senior advisor and son-in-law Jared Kushner…
Trump Urges Loosening CDC Restrictions To Let Coronavirus Get To Work

Trump Urges Loosening CDC Restrictions To Let Coronavirus Get To Work

WASHINGTON—Calling for an end to precautions such as social distancing and shelter-in-place mandates, President Donald Trump urged the loosening of…
Trump Tackles Medical Supply Shortage By Awarding ExxonMobil Contract To Drill For Ventilators In Arctic

Trump Tackles Medical Supply Shortage By Awarding ExxonMobil Contract To Drill For Ventilators In Arctic

WASHINGTON—Saying there was no way the coronavirus could win with such amazing corporations on their side, President Donald Trump kicked…
What’s In Congress’ Coronavirus Stimulus Bill

What’s In Congress’ Coronavirus Stimulus Bill

After days of frenzied negotiations, Congress passed a $2 trillion stimulus package to address economic issues caused by the coronavirus,…
Trump Announces Plan To Retrain Nation’s 3 Million Unemployed Americans As Human Ventilators

Trump Announces Plan To Retrain Nation’s 3 Million Unemployed Americans As Human Ventilators

WASHINGTON—Taking drastic action to address the country’s critical medical supply shortages as well as rising jobless claims, President Donald Trump…
Congress Sets Aside $1,200 In Trust For Each American Until They Prove They’re Responsible Enough To Handle It

Congress Sets Aside $1,200 In Trust For Each American Until They Prove They’re Responsible Enough To Handle It

WASHINGTON—Following days of partisan gridlock over its emergency economic stimulus plan, Congress announced sweeping new legislation Wednesday that would place…
Trump Suggests Ceding New York To Coronavirus As Possible Appeasement Strategy

Trump Suggests Ceding New York To Coronavirus As Possible Appeasement Strategy

WASHINGTON—Mulling solutions to stop the disease’s rapid spread across the country, President Donald Trump reportedly suggested Tuesday ceding New York…
GOP Urges End Of Quarantine For Lifeless Bipedal Automatons That Make Economy Go

GOP Urges End Of Quarantine For Lifeless Bipedal Automatons That Make Economy Go

WASHINGTON—In an effort to contain the disastrous financial fallout resulting from the spread of Covid-19, economic advisor Larry Kudlow joined…
Trump Seeks To Stimulate Economy By Sending Rare Autographed Photo To Every American

Trump Seeks To Stimulate Economy By Sending Rare Autographed Photo To Every American

WASHINGTON—With markets plummeting and many workers losing jobs as the coronavirus pandemic wreaks havoc on businesses, President Donald Trump announced…
Richard Burr Wondering When Profiting Off Mass Suffering Suddenly Became A Crime In This Country

Richard Burr Wondering When Profiting Off Mass Suffering Suddenly Became A Crime In This Country

WASHINGTON—Admitting he was blindsided by the hysterical reaction to a pretty normal transaction, North Carolina Senator Richard Burr wondered Friday…
Trump Administration Releases Best Case Scenario Projections For Coronavirus Where 8 Million Iranian People Die

Trump Administration Releases Best Case Scenario Projections For Coronavirus Where 8 Million Iranian People Die

WASHINGTON—Striking an optimistic note in his daily press briefing about the global pandemic, President Donald Trump spoke to reporters Thursday,…
Congress Allocates $2 Trillion To Bail Out Struggling Bailout Industry

Congress Allocates $2 Trillion To Bail Out Struggling Bailout Industry

WASHINGTON—In order to alleviate the heavy damage the crucial financial sector is facing in the midst of the ongoing Covid-19…
Biden Pledges To Select Woman As Vice President Since Position Doesn’t Entail Much Anyway

Biden Pledges To Select Woman As Vice President Since Position Doesn’t Entail Much Anyway

WASHINGTON—In a bid to secure support for his nomination as the Democratic Party’s candidate for president, Joe Biden reportedly pledged…
Kushner Announces Doctors HATE Him After He Discovered One Weird Trick To CURE Coronavirus

Kushner Announces Doctors HATE Him After He Discovered One Weird Trick To CURE Coronavirus

WASHINGTON—In an official White House press release as the administration’s leading advisor on the viral pandemic, Jared Kushner announced Friday…
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