Politics

Melting Giraffe Congressman Warns Impeachment Distracting From Surreal Issues

Melting Giraffe Congressman Warns Impeachment Distracting From Surreal Issues

WASHINGTON—Arguing that a protracted congressional trial wasn’t in the best interests of everyday floating nude Americans, melting giraffe congressman Fauna…
Liberals Say Sanders’s Acceptance Of Rogan Endorsement Sends Dangerous Message He Trying To Win Election

Liberals Say Sanders’s Acceptance Of Rogan Endorsement Sends Dangerous Message He Trying To Win Election

WASHINGTON—Slamming the campaign for promoting the popular podcaster’s backing, liberals said Friday that Bernie Sanders’s acceptance of Joe Rogan’s endorsement…
Trump Lifts Obama-Era Protections Trapping Gangthor The Malevolent In Tomb Deep Within Murky Depths Of Pacific Ocean

Trump Lifts Obama-Era Protections Trapping Gangthor The Malevolent In Tomb Deep Within Murky Depths Of Pacific Ocean

WASHINGTON—Denouncing his predecessor’s water regulations as overly restrictive, President Donald Trump announced Thursday he was lifting protections enacted by the…
Justice Roberts Sternly Admonishes Impeachment Participants To Remember They’re At Complete Farce Of A Trial

Justice Roberts Sternly Admonishes Impeachment Participants To Remember They’re At Complete Farce Of A Trial

WASHINGTON—After he gaveled the Senate to order Wednesday afternoon, Chief Justice John Roberts sternly admonished both President Trump’s counsel and…
‘They Can’t Impeach Someone They Can’t See,’ Say Trump Boys Cramming Dad Into Homemade Bunker Under Oval Office Desk

‘They Can’t Impeach Someone They Can’t See,’ Say Trump Boys Cramming Dad Into Homemade Bunker Under Oval Office Desk

WASHINGTON—Hastily concealing the “super top secret” shelter’s entrance with a couch cushion, the Trump boys reportedly declared “They can’t impeach…
Stephen Miller Hurt At Being Passed Over For Job Stalking Female Ambassador

Stephen Miller Hurt At Being Passed Over For Job Stalking Female Ambassador

WASHINGTON—After learning that Ukraine police had opened an investigation into whether associates of the president had surveilled the diplomat in…
Republican Senators Maintain They’ll Weigh All Evidence Before Carrying Trump Out On Shoulders

Republican Senators Maintain They’ll Weigh All Evidence Before Carrying Trump Out On Shoulders

WASHINGTON—Stressing that their duty to uphold the Constitution required impartiality in their role as jurors, Republican senators told reporters Friday…
CNN Reveals Bernie Sanders Running For President Of Country With History Of Sexism

CNN Reveals Bernie Sanders Running For President Of Country With History Of Sexism

WASHINGTON—Calling their bombshell report incredibly damning, CNN revealed Thursday that Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders has been knowingly running a campaign…
Public Disapproval Of Iran Approach Convinces Trump To Reverse Soleimani Killing

Public Disapproval Of Iran Approach Convinces Trump To Reverse Soleimani Killing

WASHINGTON—Backtracking in light of recent polls that indicate public dismay over his handling of Iran, President Trump announced Wednesday he…
Cory Booker Drops Out Of 2020 Rat Race After Falling In Love With Small-Town Iowa Life

Cory Booker Drops Out Of 2020 Rat Race After Falling In Love With Small-Town Iowa Life

ALGONA, IA—Sitting in the diner where he now eats breakfast every morning, Senator Cory Booker announced Monday that he was…
Jimmy Carter Devotes Rest Of Life To Raising Awareness Of Fact That Men Get UTIs Too

Jimmy Carter Devotes Rest Of Life To Raising Awareness Of Fact That Men Get UTIs Too

PLAINS, GA—As he continues to rest and recover following a brush with the ailment earlier this week, former President Jimmy…
Poll Finds 54% Of Americans Approve Executing Trump But Leaving Him In Office

Poll Finds 54% Of Americans Approve Executing Trump But Leaving Him In Office

HAMDEN, CT—According to a new poll out Wednesday from Quinnipiac University, 54% of Americans approve of President Trump receiving the…
Congressman Could’ve Sworn Last Impeachment Was Catered

Congressman Could’ve Sworn Last Impeachment Was Catered

WASHINGTON—Looking around the chamber for some sort of food station, Congressman Don Young (R-AK) told reporters Wednesday that he could’ve…
Trump Claims He Knows John Dingell Is In Hell Because He Sees Window Into Terrifying Inferno Every Time He Closes His Eyes

Trump Claims He Knows John Dingell Is In Hell Because He Sees Window Into Terrifying Inferno Every Time He Closes His Eyes

WASHINGTON—Clarifying controversial remarks he made about the deceased Michigan lawmaker last night, Donald Trump told reporters Thursday he can confirm…
DNC Eases Debate Requirements To 0.1% Above Whatever Cory Booker Polling

DNC Eases Debate Requirements To 0.1% Above Whatever Cory Booker Polling

WASHINGTON—In response to the presidential candidate’s criticism of the party’s current rules that have left him unqualified for tonight’s Democratic…
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